It took over 3 years for “the relationship” to die. 3 years! That’s a long time, considering some cancer patients barely have a year to get their affairs in order before good old Death swings by!
I wish it had died faster. I wish I hadn’t been so hopeful that maybe, just maybe it would all work out. I so wanted the Old Tae, that adorable guy I fell madly in love with who stood for all things moral and just and good, to fight his way back! I was rooting for him to kick this Asshole in the teeth. But no. Old Tae was dead and this guy who had the same face as my fiance was here to stay.
This guy was sneaky and manipulative and could lie like a sociopath. I was defenseless against him. I was shocked. I had no idea who this guy was who had Tae’s face! It was painful looking at him and knowing that every word coming out of his mouth was a lie.
The first few months after the breakup was hard. I felt like I had lost a limb. He had been a constant in my life for 10 years and suddenly that part of me was gone! Even though I had 3 years to prepare for the inevitable ending, when it was done , it was still a shock to the system. The bed we had shared was no sanctuary. Every night I felt like I was adrift in a tiny lifeboat, searching desperately for the sight of land so I could finally stand on my own 2 feet again.
It seemed IMPOSSIBLE that I would ever be happy again.
But yeah I got over it. It took 4 months to grieve.That may not seem like a long time, but for me, it was an eternity.
I cried buckets of tears,lost hours of sleep, and felt so small and vulnerable.
Sometimes when I think back to those 4 months, I cringe with embarrassment. I can’t believe I ever let anyone emotionally terrorize me like he did.
Congratulations, Asshole. He had broken my heart, broken my life.
But thanks to my amazing, super wonderful friends, they helped me put the pieces together again.
Am I angry with him? No, not anymore. Honestly, I barely think about him. Every now and then he comes back into my life like an annoying poltergeist; for example, last summer his ex girlfriend, the one he hooked up with right after we “officially broke up” emailed me, asking for my help. She was scared because he was stalking her and she wanted to slap him with a restraining order!!!!! She was reaching out to me hoping I could provide some insight into his crazy mind. I actually felt bad for her.
Truth is, if I found out he was dying it would barely cause a reaction from me. I already mourned the death of Old Tae and this shell of the man I used to love means nothing to me. I am apathetic to him. I don’t know him. He is a complete stranger.
So why am I writing all this down then? Because I never had a chance to express my side of the story. Because as much as it was a devastating period of my life, it’s still a part of my history. And it is all those pieces that make me who I am.
----Original Message----- From: MGunter <************@yahoo.com> To: tae55 Sent: Fri, 20 Jun 2008 14:45:03 -0700 (PDT) Subject: Re: forever Are you planing on ignoring me forever? Or are you just hoping that if you pretend we never met all the feelings and hurt would just go away!?your not the only one hurt in all this and you need to man up and acknowledge what you've done to someone else! Did I really mean so little to you that I'm so easly caste aside? I don't want to believe everything you said were lies, but what else am I to think if you just ignore me? I'm very surprised that I couldnt just chalk you up to just another asshole who used me, I miss you and miss the future we both talked about having. I thought I was stronger than that, I thought if I pushed you away it wouldn't hurt so bad when you didnt chose us. But it did, and I think it did because it came totally out of left feild, one minute you want to be with me, and next thing I know I'm getting strange calls with "her" yelling at you to tell me who you really love, and you sobbing that its her! It really hurt my heart to think you were being forced to do that. I think I felt more for you then I lead on and thats what makes getting out of bed just that much harder. Please don't shut me out forever, you know I deserve a better explation. Saddly, Mikki
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-----Original Message----- From: MGunter To: tae55 Sent: Wed, 18 Jun 2008 01:42:43 -0700 (PDT) Subject: (no subject) I can't believe I was so worried about your wellbeing and safety I called ez to get your address to call the cops! I almost called your parents house! I was so worried about you untill i realized that I was just one of 4! Just like I was afrad of, with absolutly no regard to what you've put me through! For the next poor girl you "fall" (I see now what a joke I was!) for just don't! All your doing is leading people on and for what? Did you get what you wanted? Are you happy now? Because your ether a really good lier, or just a mean hearted mother fucker! Im thinking a little of both. I feel like such a fool! I warned you not to put me through this, but no, your so fucking selfish you had to keep pushing! Thanks! I already hated myself enough and felt I wasn't worth anything all you just did was remind me that its true! Thanks for the cd, ment shit aparently! Thanks for trying to keep me strung along all the way to the end by telling me even when I fucking asked if you were trying to work things out, you fucking lie to me! Tell me you'll make it up to me! Well gee thanks you really knew how to do that! I knew deep down every word that came out of your mouth was a lie! But no did I pay any mind to my gut! NO I let you lead me on for your own personal gain, what did you get out of all this? The joy of knowing you really hurt someone who's been waiting to be taken advantage of? Because even after telling you all ive been through you still went through with it! You truly are a predator! In every sense of the word! I can't believe even after how hard I tryed to keep you out, you snaked your way in! Thanks, you've hurt me so bad, I can't even put you in the book! (you know the one you were going to stay out of! LIES) I really just wanted to be your friend... I can't help we felt more! But you NEVER should have lead me on! Shame on you! You get to just kiss and make up, and I am once again left with my heart in my hands, bleeding cut once again! If I haven't said it enough, thanks! I really needed another heartache to put me back in my place... Worthless and and alone! ~Mikki~